Life Gets Unhinged but it's Okay, Guest Post: Sarah Farmer

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I'm Sarah, I'm a mum to Ezra and Logan-Angelo. Both my boys were born premature, Ezra born 4 weeks early and Logan 6 weeks early, both were reasonable weights considering.

When we found out we were pregnant with Logan we all had to adjust, bare in mind Ezra was only 10 months old at the time, not only was it a lot for us to wrap our heads round it was a really big shock to the system. Telling our friends and family who we told a little later than we wanted as some kept saying "oh you don't want any more for a while, rest enjoy Ezra while he's young. Don't rush into anything too soon!" and I'd be standing there with a very big awkward look on my face just smiling and nodding trying to find a way to change the conversation. When we did tell people they changed their tune from "you won’t have time for two" and say "oh that's great they'll be so close together they'll be best friends".

Learning to live in hospital for 9 days without Ezra or my partner the second time round was extremely hard. I mean the first time was hard also but this time we were split 1 parent to 1 child, visiting was hard as we'd have to arrange babysitting as we found Ezra would get bored in the hospital very easily so in the space of 9 days I would only see Ezra for about 2 hours, it was horrible.

As you can imagine when we finally got discharged and got to introduce the boys properly we couldn't wait. That was until we learnt everyone was right! Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and I wouldn't change anything I wouldn’t even change the gap but I wish I would have thought about things and prepared myself for having two under the age of two. All I was thinking was happy pregnant thoughts! Some days I'd be too happy to even let it sink in that our family of three was about to become four!

Ezra, does love to help out with his little brother though. There are 15 months between them, Ezra born on 12th Feb 2017 and Logan on the 24th May 2018 (which I will just say were the best presents ever, as Ezra 2 days before Valentines and Logan 2 days after my birthday. I couldn’t of asked for better timing). We do face our daily battles as the days go by, Logan is now 4 months old and we now suspect that Ezra has autism. My partner has Asperger's Syndrome so we've always been mindful to keep an eye on him and look out for traits even though we were told it's not inherited but it never hurts to keep tabs on things. He tries to help with Logan but we're still teaching him how to be soft and gentle and that Logan is only 4 months old and can't exactly do what he can as a almost 2 year old. Though Ezra does try his hardest and it is hard to teach him especially him being so young, but it's baby steps for us all we're all learning off each other. Every day is completely different from the rest. I sit back some days and I just look at my own little family and think how grateful I am and I wouldn't change them for the world .... then other days happen and like a big explosion, I’ve had a meltdown, Ezra is in the corner having a screaming match with the toy that wouldn't work his way, Logan crying for his bottle an hour earlier than normal and hasn't even been made yet, then my partner struggling to cope with the level of sound in the room and has his own issues going on and I've hit another break down .

After having our second, Logan was 6 weeks early and I suffered PPD again. I say again as this time round I have been diagnosed with it because I spoke up about it. The first time with Ezra I was scared, I didn't really tell anyone not even my partner how I felt or what I was thinking. I do know now that it is completely normal, at the time I felt it wasn't and my baby would be taken away, so I kept it to myself. The second time when I hit the ‘post natal depression wall’ I hit it head on which triggered unresolved issues from before. I had 2 weeks off while I was pregnant through depression and when I had Logan it wasn't until he was a month old I spoke to my mid wife and gp and I've been put on anti-depressants..... I'm useless with names so can't remember what they're called. I also have the pleasure of having the implant alongside the combo pill with my anti-depressants.... so as you can imagine I'm a rattling ball of fun.At the Freeman household we all have our ups and downs, which is me saying that all of this and I’m sure some people are like "omg that's a lot that goes on" and the more I think about it even though our household is probably in some eyes a little crazy or maybe un hinged that's what it’s all about, I don't want to be prancing around being 'tip top' and twirling around in dresses smiling all day, it's ok to not be ok, it's ok to maybe have a dysfunctional house hold like mine. I've always said I like a challenge, I'm just waiting for my gold medal now.

X Freemans.Madhouse X

Across the Pond, meet Sarah, mum of two where she residing in the UK, Sarah Vlogs about her parenting life on IG @Freemansmadhouse or www.facebook.com/pg/Freemansmadhouse